Stormy PoeticJustice

I'm so fucking tired 

of people telling me to buck-up

to move on/to stop wallowing in feelings

about that which has happened already

 

fuck you 

for thinking you can decide/what emotions

I should have

for how long/in response 

to what scenarios

I have lived through/without your input

 

after so many decades of sorrows

I am mostly aware of when/to cave

when to fight/when the fuck

to follow through

or admit failure

 

without denying

there may lie some insight

lodged in the corners

of the sometimes dim light

you attempt to blaze through my sorrows

the reality is

I wish to feel what I feel when I feel it

committed as I am 

to sitting inside

the awkward silence of remembering

 

I want to glean all the benefits

that can be derived

from the dimwitted actuality 

of my own human stumbling

 

I want fuck and regret

to collide with an embarrassment 

and be unable to forget

to remember each detail

and ache

to rake the coals of my own/if onlys

and what ifs

 

I want to ruminate for hours

remain pensive/for days

consider the carnal/for as long as it takes

to come to terms with what the fuck

I happen to be feeling/right now

 

and I still reserve the right

to change my outlook

to look at things differently 

be in complete turnabout/about it

tomorrow 

 

I want to arrive

at my own conclusion

without your hands 

reaching in

well intentioned

to try to pull me from my process

 

mourning is human

it is time-consuming

and I have no desire 

to spring up from it

puppet

responding to your timeline

my meter is internal

calibrated to cure the cancers

inside my own heart

 

I want to take as long as I need

to brood

to eat foods/in excess

to regress

to spend more than I should

waxing poetic in pathetic rhyme schemes

to dream 

of alternatives/to my experiences

to experience in full

the tragedy of my hurt

the intensity of my anger

the complex coloring 

of my incongruent ruminations

 

even while I am reeling from it

I know I will eventually land

broken/pieces/held together 

elastic bands holding my hair

my hands

my hopes returning

lessons learned/cliche

 

for now

I want the freedom

to lay upon floors

breathing in

exhaling

free/falling

feeling my way 

to the other side